What are the things that hold you back from reaching your fullest potential? I am of the opinion that our beliefs can often be self-imposed limits. It’s tempting to blame all of our negative circumstances on external factors, “if it wasn’t for __ then I’d be happy”. Of course we all have different lives and experiences with privilege or oppression. It’s important not to compare our ability to navigate problems to others, since we have no idea what their challenges have been. Some groups of people have been given more opportunities than others and therefore have more external factors going for or against them. The goal in advocacy isn’t to compare our challenges, but instead to recognize the ways in which we all can have equal access to the same opportunities. As an intersectional human, I’ve had a mixture of privilege and struggles throughout my life – specifically related to my gender, sexuality, and mental health. From an early age, I was led to believe that there was just something fundamentally wrong with me. After repeated rejections, failures, betrayals, and abandonment; I developed somewhat of a disease, called “lack-of mindset” or “scarcity mindset (2)”. This occurs when you can’t seem to focus on anything besides what you don’t have. It’s like a mental prison, full of echoes saying “why me” and “this isn’t fair”. This mindset is disempowering and rampant with self-imposed limiting beliefs.
What makes a belief “limiting” in the first place? It’s when a label, either negative or positive, keeps you from moving forward on your life’s path. When you can’t live up to a positive label, it’s followed by feelings of inadequacy. Whether you tell yourself “I am a bad person” or “I am a good person”, you’re creating a limited definition of who you are as a full, complex human being. You’re trapping yourself within a narrow concept of your whole story. In reality, it is only human that at times we do good things and at times we do bad things. When you believe in a negative label, you are indoctrinating your subconscious mind to maintain a state of stagnation. When you have a mental illness, like depression, retraining your brain is hard. I know from experience. I still take antidepressants. There are always going to be good days and bad days. But I have found that when I solely focus on blaming my mental health or blaming others, then I’m choosing to live in a place of insecurity and fear. Continuing to act out of fear, rather than love, can keep us confined to old patterns. It’s a toxic cycle that we have the power to break. It may take time, but it is possible.
How do we confront these limiting beliefs?
Identify
The first step in confronting these beliefs is to raise your awareness of what a limiting belief looks like. The list below is a collection of examples of labels and thought patterns that I have identified with in the past. Do you relate to any of them too? I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote down every limiting label that popped up. I recommend you do the same. They usually start with “I can’t, I shouldn’t, I am, I’m not, I don’t…” Keep your list handy. Now that you are more equipped to identify these beliefs in the moment, you can add to the list whenever another one comes up. Only once you’ve become aware enough to identify the thoughts that hold you back, can you even attempt to change them.
Visualize
What is the “self”? According to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (4), we consist of three levels of consciousness – the conceptualized self, the basic-experiencing self, and the higher-observer self. The higher self is the version of you who doesn’t have any attachment to the negative thought patterns, but is instead the awareness behind those thoughts. It is the version of you who understands and sees your infinite potential. During a time of meditation, visualize this highest self and spend some time with it. How does it feel to imagine a version of yourself not weighed down by hurt or fear? Let’s practice this with the common fear of failure. Your highest self already sees the success within you. How can you reframe your idea of success? What can you let go of in order to align yourself with that successful version of you? You can use a helpful guided meditation, like the one below, to connect with this aspect of your psyche.
Reframe
Below is a list of strategies for overcoming limiting beliefs. Let’s take some of the previous, disempowering examples. We’ll apply these strategies in order to reframe them into empowering beliefs.
Examples of Reframing:
“There’s just something wrong with me”
This statement represents a common stage in all of our lives – the insecurity of an identity crisis. It’s believing that you must change something fundamental about yourself in order to deserve acceptance. Rather than combating this with a straightforward affirmation like “I’m awesome”, try turning an affirmation into a question for your subconscious – “What if – ” to instead consider “What if I am perfect just the way I am”?
“I am not enough”
Become your own thought detective and investigate the root of your beliefs. Who made you feel this way about yourself? “I am not enough” – is a self-fulfilling prophecy with deep, childhood roots. When we continue to believe this narrative, we self-sabotage. We carry ourselves into the world as someone with low value. As a child, we were not meant to know everything. We had not yet learned all of the lessons that life has now given us. If you still believe your inner critic’s low estimate of your worth, instead choose to empower your inner child. Say, “I am worthy. I am exactly who, what, and where I am meant to be. The fact that I am here and I am willing to grow, means that I am more than enough.”
“I don’t deserve it”
Don’t believe your inner critic. Thoughts about what we deserve purely come from a place of insecurity and just feeds jealousy. What do you believe you will need to do in order to finally earn what you want? What makes anyone else more deserving? Write down a list of at least 10 things you’ve accomplished in your life. Keep this list in a place that will be seen every single day. Remind yourself, “I have accomplished so much and I deserve good things, just as much as anyone else does”.
“I don’t have enough time”
We put time into the things that motivate us enough. So feeling like we can’t accomplish something we really want to, simply because we don’t have enough time, tells us that we need to adjust something in our schedule. Limited time can feel like a setback, but it’s just a hint to reprioritize. Change may require giving your entire routine a makeover. Or, instead of avoiding the work all together, consider what only 10 minutes a day could do for getting closer to your goal. Tell yourself, “I have all the time that I need” or “I make time for the things that matter to me”.
“They will judge me”
When we don’t trust our inner wisdom, we put stock in the validation of others. If they don’t like me, then I must not be good enough. If people don’t like what I’m doing, then I should do something different. In reality, other people’s judgments are a projection of their own expectations and their own inner world. They do not define you. It’s necessary to be open to trustworthy feedback, but observe others’ judgments as insight into their own thought process. Do not take on their judgements as your own. Consider, is it helpful to live my life based on what other people think? Living your life for others reinforces a lack of identity within yourself. Tell yourself, “I trust my inner wisdom. I do what fulfills me. I don’t identify with other people’s projections or expectations.”
“It’s their fault”
Trauma, abuse, or neglect is never EVER the survivor’s fault. If you’ve experienced any of these things, like I have, know that there is nothing you did to deserve it. I have had moments of over-identifying with and feeling like I had to prove my “victimhood”. That mentality, in and of itself, minimized my entire life to a few bad moments. But we are more than our trauma! If I allowed my focus to be on blame and fault-finding, then I’d be giving my energy to them. Instead, I choose to focus my energy on my own potential. I refuse to take on someone else’s karma as my own. Instead, I remind myself to take ownership of my own karma. I remind myself, “It’s not my fault that others have hurt me, but from now on, I take responsibility for my own life.”
“I’m dumb, annoying, awkward”
No one person can be described in one word alone. To be human is to be so many different things at once. What would you do if a loved one said something like this? They call you crying and proclaim, “I’m so stupid”. You might respond by trying to understand why they would say such a thing, “what happened”? You might refute their name-calling, “stop that, you are not stupid”. You may hear their story and respond with reminders of all the many reasons that you don’t view them as a stupid person. You may take the time to remind them that they can also be smart at times. You may take a moment to point out the ways, within this specific situation, that they are actually being smart. Treat yourself the same way. Don’t allow your inner critic to get away with calling you names. Challenge this name-calling as being a minimization of your complex humanity. Recognize that a thought is not a fact. Say, “I just had a thought that I’m dumb”, then be your own best friend and refute it with all of the evidence you have. Don’t identify a passing thought as being the truth.
“I have bad luck”
Turn statements from present tense, which reaffirms that this is your current reality, to past tense, which indicates a period of transition. For example, “My experiences of both bad and good luck have allowed me to learn important lessons about myself and my environment. I have viewed things as being unfair because I am still learning the lessons. I trust that the universe is not working against me and that my understanding of these events will be more clear in the future. I am letting go of the labels ‘good’ and ‘bad’. I am always open to the lessons the universe needs to teach me.”
“I shouldn’t ___”
Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t. You’re right.” Shouldn’t-thinking is just like freezing yourself in place at the starting line. If you never try then you will never know what could have been. Interrogate the thoughts that get in the way of forward movement – “why do I believe that I shouldn’t do this thing?” Trust your inner wisdom. Perhaps there are steps that you still must take before you can move forward with confidence. Perhaps you’re actually ready, but just afraid. It’s normal to feel fear, comfort that scared part of yourself, but refuse to continue to act out of fear.
“I can’t succeed”
Take control of your mindset – don’t fan the flames of failure. Previous failures do not define your future. Shift your mindset to a focus on growth rather than a focus on past failures. Tony Robbins, the famous life coach, summarized the 16 most common limiting beliefs that we must overcome in order to thrive in this world. This was one of the beliefs outlined. He writes, “In order to achieve success, you need to first commit to making a change — and setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible (3)”. Reframe “I can’t succeed” into “I will succeed and this is how…”!
Repeat
Expose yourself to these new beliefs on a daily basis. Repeat the affirmative statements and challenge the inner critic. Empower yourself by combining mirror work with your daily affirmations. Align your thoughts with your higher self. With time and effort, you have the ability to shift your perspective from a lack mindset to a mindset of growth.
Rosemary Spirit 