Happiness starts from within.
Every New Year’s Day, for the past few years, I chose a theme for the year, an intention. Rather than making a lofty resolution, it gives me something positive to reflect on at the end of the year. 2020 was a focus on my career, after completing graduate school. As a therapist, during the pandemic, it was an inevitable and unavoidable theme. 2021 was the year of self-improvement. That mainly just involved going to the gym more regularly, committing to therapy, and reading every self-help book I could find. After I experienced intense burnout in my career and learned some hard lessons in therapy (EMDR), I thought to myself, I don’t remember the last time I was truly happy, I decided to make 2022 the year of finding my happiness. I’ve struggled with chronic depression since childhood, so even getting to the point where I would consider creating this as a realistic goal was a huge milestone for me. Reflecting on this goal at the end of the year, I realized I really have learned so much and I wish I had learned it sooner. I realized that happiness is not a constant state of being for anybody, no matter who you are or what you have, despite what our capitalist society would like you to think. Our emotions fluctuate based on so many different factors. But expecting happiness to come from outside of yourself, from someone or something you think will fill that void, is the most detrimental mistake you can make. It comes from within. I began by asking myself the question, “Ok… so what are you drawn to? When you’re all alone, what brings you joy?” This has helped me to learn how to become my own best friend, to connect with my inner child, to trust and develop my intuition, and just to explore more hobbies that can help shift my focus to something positive when I’m feeling low. I also made gratitude a daily practice, which has helped redirect what I focus on and what I notice throughout the day. I could definitely go into the new year telling you the last time I felt happiness, and that is a huge improvement to be thankful for.
Self-improvement is worth the discomfort.
I’m not talking about improving your looks or your bank account. I’m talking about healing the deep wounds that hold us back from feeling more fulfilled in life. I started this lesson last year. But, really, only during the last few months have I embraced leaning into the discomfort of healing instead of avoiding it with a million different distractions. As difficult as it was, I committed myself to shadow work, deleting social media apps on my phone, limiting the ones I do use, not using any distractions or substances that might numb the pain during the especially hard times. This forced me to really FEEL the emotions I needed to feel, instead of the usual route of dissociation. The more you open yourself up to and integrate the lessons the universe wants to teach you, the easier it becomes to find the strength within when it’s needed and the more you learn about yourself. How can you fix what you don’t see? I look at it like “leveling up” in a video game. At the end of a level you always have to fight a “boss”: be it shame, guilt, fear, etc., get completely broken and beaten to the brink, before you can move onto the next level with new skills acquired. That’s life.
Forgiveness does not require accountability or reconciliation.
Forgiveness is a hard place to get to, especially when you’ve been really harmed or even if you just feel you’re “in the right”. If you’ve been hurt by someone, making amends is difficult and is really a situational decision. In some cases, you may feel that someone wants to be accountable and needs to hear your words of forgiveness as a form of closure. More likely, forgiveness might just be a personal decision done in private. My dad and I talked a lot about this for the past few months. He’s been writing a book on his life and healing from severe childhood abuse. In his experience, his reaction to trauma triggers dramatically improved when he let go of resentment and chose forgiveness. His abuser never learned about it and never will, but it wasn’t for them, it was for him. Again, coming to this point is different for everybody, that was just his experience. If you feel like holding onto resentment is doing more harm than good, just set aside the time to release that burden from your heart in whatever way feels right. I’ve done this for SEVERAL different people in my life this year. So, for example, I like to light a candle and write a note to read and burn. I say something like, “I choose to forgive you. I choose to forgive myself. I release resentment. I release you from my energy with love and light. I hope that you heal the parts of your ego that project pain onto others and truly find peace within. Not for you. Not for me. But for the greater good.” Trust your intuition and only let go of what you feel called to, but it really can be freeing.
Money and success do not equate worth.
I have struggled financially, lived paycheck to paycheck, and I’ve been financially secure at times too. I’ve had lots of friends and I’ve been completely isolated. This year, after completely restarting my life, I had to struggle to get back on my feet. I had to be knocked down to my lowest point, to realize that my value is so much more than what the media tells me I need to be, others opinions, my status, or my level of productivity. My worthiness corresponds to my soul’s individual purpose, not what I have or do or how I’m perceived. Yours does too. Your bank account, the number of friends or followers you have, or the price tag on the clothes you wear do not define your worth. External validation, other people telling you what you are worth, is not where your true worth comes from. That’s an illusion. Your value does not come from the hands of other people, it comes from within you. You get to define it and you get to make it unconditional. Reflect on one of my favorite affirmations: “No one is perfect. I am worthy of so much and I love ALL aspects of myself.” Say it at the start of every day. Say it until you believe it. I was really moved by this Ted Talk on the topic, enjoy!
Detachment is a continuous lifestyle choice.
The art of letting go. Detachment requires a continuous spirit of objectivity. It involves becoming an observer of life, rather than someone quick to react. It involves recognizing that everyone is on their own journey and it is not our job to judge their choices or make their decisions for them. Their life path is not ours to dictate. Detaching requires practicing mindfulness in your daily life, experiencing something, any thing or any emotion, without being attached to the outcome. Without being attached to whatever judgements our minds create to make sense of it. It doesn’t feel like it, but it is a choice. As difficult as it can be, it’s necessary in actually accepting and letting go of what you can not change or control. Letting go can be a battle in your mind, but it ends with the victory of freedom. Freedom for yourself and for those around you.
Breaking family cycles is for future generations, not your current family system.
As hard as you try to encourage it, your parents may never change. Your relationship with them may never improve. They may never appreciate the cycles and generational curses you break by healing your soul, addictions, or toxic attachment patterns. Don’t let this stop you from continuing to try. Don’t let their negativity continue to control your decisions. Ending the cycle of abuse, codependency, and toxicity begins with you. That’s a lot of responsibility, but the next generation will thank you. Is it easier to change yourself or the entire world? Making the world a better place starts by a personal commitment to making yourself a better person. Then leading by example.
Rosemary Spirit 