Therapy Speak and Boundaries

I have noticed a lot of discourse on the topic of boundaries – a psychology term used to describe limits and rules for yourself and your relationships. Boundaries can be healthy or unhealthy – porous or rigid – physical, time, mental, emotional, material, internal, conversational (source). Some individuals need more boundaries (ex: codependency, people pleasers), while some people have too many rigid boundaries (ex: avoidant attachment style). Identifying boundaries requires a certain level of self-awareness and introspection. While healthy, assertive communication of boundaries requires respect for the others’ rights and boundaries. An incident with Jonah Hill recently split the internet, one side saying his boundaries and communication of those boundaries were completely appropriate and another side calling him an abusive narcissist. What is the line between setting boundaries and controlling? Dr. Kirk Honda, Psychology in Seattle on Youtube, made a great video analysis on this controversy. I recommend to those curious about a mental health professional’s opinion on the topic. He also points out the need to differentiate between identifying or calling out abusive behavior and armchair diagnosing someone as a “narcissist”, an important point often lost among the discourse. 

Something important to understand here is the term “therapy speak”, a term that refers to the use of psychology buzzwords used in an attempt to control how someone perceives a situation. It can be annoying and harmless, but it certainly be used in a weaponizing way. As Dr. Honda states, we shouldn’t really make a diagnosis with such little information, rather point out the abusive behaviors and learn from them. So what’s the lesson from this situation? Below is the Power and Control Wheel, created by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, which is a helpful tool for identifying abusive behaviors. Do you think that any of the texts in the video above fit in any of the sectors below?

SOURCE

So now that we’ve looked at “therapy speak” being used in a likely inappropriate way, what exactly are HEALTHY boundaries? How do we communicate our boundaries without disregarding others’ rights and needs?